Ep 187: Fearlessness & Joy in the Now

What if the key to your happiness lies not in what you have, but in how you perceive your fears? An exploration of how perceived threats can obscure our emotional well-being and how living in the present can help us reclaim our happiness. Discover the touching story of a woman who initially believed her brain condition was the root of her unhappiness, only to find that her anxiety was the true source. By choosing to focus on the present, she found joy despite her challenges. Through reflections on this insight, we examine how the fear of losing material possessions, relationships, or status can similarly impact our sense of well-being, emphasising the importance of reclaiming control over our emotional state.

In another memorable moment, I share a heartfelt visit with my elderly aunt, whose contentment despite memory loss challenges the notion that happiness is dependent on retaining everything we have. Her experience, coupled with the humour shared among her fellow residents, highlights the power of gratitude and the persistence of happiness even beyond loss. As we journey through these powerful stories, we learn to question the necessity of clinging to fears and attachments, instead appreciating our inherent capacity for happiness. For those seeking further personal growth, I invite you to engage with my work in Transformational Coaching and the Freedom of Spirit workshop, where fulfillment and freedom await.

Chapters

• 0:02 Forging Happiness Through Present Awareness
• 8:44 Letting Go of Fear for Happiness
• 13:44 Embracing Happiness Beyond Fear

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Truth and Transcendence, brought to you by being Space with Katherine Llewellyn. Truth and Transcendence, episode 187. Welcome back, 187. Welcome back. What is it that we believe could happen that will make us unhappy?

Speaker 1: 0:32

I had a conversation the other day with somebody who has a condition, a brain condition, and she said the worst part of this brain condition was when she was worried about the fact that it would probably ruin her life. So she learned about the condition and then she went through a very difficult period of time being very concerned and anxious and upset about what she thought this condition was going to do to her. And she then kind of went through a shift where she said to herself does this actually have to make me unhappy? Does this actually have to ruin my life? And in that moment she realized that it didn't have to ruin her life, that although there was going to be a certain amount of deterioration and falling to bits um going on for her, but she could potentially still be happy, and that the process of being terrified that it would make her unhappy was what was currently ruining her life. In that moment, and when she let go of that, she was able to come back into the present and realize that by continuously committing herself to being in the present and realize that by continuously committing herself to being in the present, she could still live a happy life for as long as she does, and then, if it does reach a point where the whole thing is miserable, that will happen then, but she's not borrowing it from the future, she's not bringing that forward into the present. This struck me very deeply. It struck me as a very wise perspective that this person had actually come across for herself. I also thought it was very relevant, very useful, and I was really inspired by it and I think there was a part of me that felt hmm, am I doing that in my life? Am I imagining that there's something that could happen? And am I fearing that thing happening? Because I believe that if it does happen, it's going to make me unhappy, ruin my life, and at the moment I don't have that going on with me. But I do know I have experienced that in the past and I do know other people have people who I know. So examples that I'm aware of are someone is terrified of losing all their money because they think that will ruin their life. Or they're terrified of losing their health because they think that will ruin their life, or terrified of losing a particular relationship or certain positions or a friendship or a job or a piece of status, even something like a membership of a club.

Speaker 1: 3:22

I was a member of the Soho Club for a while, which is quite an expensive club. It's not the most expensive, it's quite expensive. They have these beautiful locations all over the UK, all over the world actually, but I only went to some of them in the UK and of course you walk in there and everyone else is a member of the club. So there are certain things you know are going to be true about everybody there, which is, at the very least, they can afford the membership of the club and they've got the time and the space and the imagination to join and to show up and hang out there. So it's a kind of slightly rarefied demographic. To begin with, there's no guarantee that they're going to be a nice person or a clever person or an interesting person, but there's something about it. There's something about being a member of the club.

Speaker 1: 4:13

And then there came a point in time when I was tightening my belt, reducing my costs, and I realized I was going to have to let go of that particular membership and there was a fear of loss that I experienced. There was a fear of losing some sort of special thing that I associated with that club. And I reflected on that and I realized that actually the thing that I, the things I most appreciated about that club, were things I could have any time I wanted, in my own living room or in my friend's living room, or just by going to a beautiful hotel somewhere or a beautiful restaurant somewhere. It wasn't necessary to be part of this particular club, but of course, the illusion that many of us members had was that this particular experience was inherent only to that particular club.

Speaker 1: 5:08

Now, that's just one example of ways that we project onto things source of happiness for us. So the lady I mentioned before, she had a belief which I think many of us have, which is that if something weird is happening with your brain, or when I say weird, something the medical establishment told her was weird and she actually acknowledged during the conversation they don't even understand what it is that they saw on the scan and they don't know what it means. So it might actually mean absolutely nothing and it might be that they're no problem whatsoever, and yet we've all got this capacity to project onto certain circumstances, situations, relationships, um diagnoses, in the case of health matter, a source of unhappiness, a removal of happiness. Now, I think that this particular dynamic that we have, this particular thing that we're capable of doing like all of these things, it has pros and cons, and the pros of it is it means that we can look outside and say, oh, that particular thing might make me unhappy, how do I get away from it, how do I ameliorate it, how do I cater for it? How do I work around it, rather than just sit there being punished? But the downside of it is that we're giving away our power. Potentially, we are giving our power to be happy to something outside of us, to some other factor. Now, of course, our brain is not outside of us. It's part of our body, but it is outside of the self, it's outside of the spirit. So the minute we start to say right, if that happens, that will make us unhappy. The minute we start to say right, if that happens, that will make us unhappy. We are giving our power to that thing. And we are also doing something which I think many of us know about now is we're using the power of our words to bring about an outcome. So if that happens, that will make me unhappy. Guess what If it happens? We are unhappy because we said so, because we said that was what was going to happen.

Speaker 1: 7:24

I was selling an apartment in Somerset before I moved to where I am now Lovely apartment, very spacious, and a couple several couples came to look at it, this particular couple. They looked pale, healthy, they were perfectly capable of moving around, walking around, and they said no, we can't buy this flat because it doesn't have a walk-in wet room. When we get older, we're not going to be able to climb in and out of the bath. Now, on one hand, they were probably just making an excuse. They can. British didn't want the flat, you know, and that was an excuse I couldn't argue with. On the other hand, I thought why tell yourselves that you are going to reach a point where you will not be able to get in and out of Bath? Why tell yourself that? Why assume that that's going to happen? And also why assume that, if that does happen, that it's going to be depressing? Because they were very kind of low about this. They go, we're getting on now or, you know, we won't be able to move around as well. Soon it's all going to get very sad, you know, and it was. It was almost like they were going to bring that about, almost unconsciously, purely through that particular approach.

Speaker 1: 8:44

So I think if we look at our lives, look at what you have in your life, which elements of your life, if that element went away, do you think would make you unhappy? And because of that, do you have a fear of that thing going away in your life, whether it's a relationship, a situation, a work thing, health, whatever it might be? Do you fear losing the things that you think will make you unhappy if you lose them? And if that's the case, how much energy is going into that fear, how much attention is going into that, or how much energy on a subconscious level might be going into that without you even thinking about it or realizing it? And could that be perhaps questioned a bit? Could it be questioned what if all the things you have in your life could disappear and you could still be happy I don't mean lying about grief, I'm talking about and you could still find your way back to being happy.

Speaker 1: 10:00

I went to visit my very elderly aunt and she had actually called and left a message on my phone inviting me to visit her, which was lovely, I mean, she didn't really. We were not particularly close anyway, so she had sent me this message. So I rang the home that she lives in and spoke to the staff there and said look, I've had this message on my phone from my aunt and visit. They went, oh, okay, fine. I said you know, can I come with it? We arranged a time. I showed up.

Speaker 1: 10:32

She was out walking on the grass with one of those frame things. She was completely bent over in the middle like an L shape and she was walking with this frame out on the grass and the staff said, oh, she's out walking. She does this walk three times a day, fantastic. And she does this walk three times a day? Fantastic. Marvelous of her, I thought, anyway.

Speaker 1: 10:49

So I sort of wandered over to her. It was beautiful summer sunshine, said hello. She said oh, hello and started chatting with me and I said do you know who I am? She said no, I don't actually. I said, oh, I'm your niece, I'm Catherine, oh, oh, she's completely had no idea who that was. I said I oh, I'm your niece, I'm Catherine, oh, oh, she's completely ad naïve for that one. I said I'm Anne's daughter. Oh, anne's daughter, how lovely to meet you. She was convinced she'd never met me before and of course she had met me many times. But she was very happy, she was absolutely content, she had no worries or upset.

Speaker 1: 11:29

So we started chatting away and I was asking about her life and she said of course, this memory thing, it's just ghastly, I've lost this memory thing. It's just inconvenient, but it's not really a bother, I just do my walking. And she said you know, I'm writing poetry still and it was just a delight to see this woman not buying into me. Losing my memory means I have to be unhappy. And there was another example of this at lunch.

Speaker 1: 11:58

I had lunch with her and a group of other people who were living there. They were all elderly people who were living there and I said what's that flag on the wall? There was a big flag on the wall. It was white with a red cross which I think I don't know it's the flag for England, possibly, as opposed to, it's not the British flag, I think it might be the English flag white background and a red cross. What's that flag doing there? They said we don't know. I said oh.

Speaker 1: 12:27

Then one asked there's no point in just finding out, because by the time we come down the following morning we'll have forgotten and they all burst out into uproarious laughter. They just thought this was the best joke ever, that they were losing their memories and this didn't matter. That stayed with me. This was years and years ago that this occurred. That stayed with me. This was years and years ago that this occurred. That stayed with me and I thought how many things do we believe are necessary for us to be happy, for us to lead a good life, and to what extent is our fear of losing those things in the belief that the loss of them will make us unhappy?

Speaker 1: 13:07

How much energy goes into those fears? How desperately do we hang on to things that we think if we lose them we'll be unhappier, because we might not be? We don't have to be, but if we say that we will be, then for sure we will be. So I wish you a wonderful week of happiness, and if you notice yourself hanging on to something or fearing losing something because you believe the loss of it will make you unhappy, then my suggestion is question that.

Speaker 1: 13:44

Maybe pour a bit less energy into that fear. Enjoy it while it's there. Be grateful for it while it's there and know that you have the capacity for happiness without that thing, that person, that situation. What if you have the capacity for happiness notwithstanding? And what if it's okay to know that, without in any way being disloyal to anyone and is even involved with? So? Thank you for listening and thank you for watching. I will see you next time. Thank you for listening to Truth and Transcendence and thank you for supporting the show by rating, reviewing, subscribing, buying me a coffee and telling a friend. If you'd like to know more about my work, you can find out about Transformational Coaching, pellewa and the Freedom of Spirit workshop on beingspaceworld. Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time.