Ep 179: Women Brutalising Men ~ Let's Name It

Can a single accusation reshape a life, or even a relationship? In this episode of Truth and Transcendence, I reflect on a recent conversation with a close friend facing serious allegations of non-consensual sexual activity. This situation has prompted me to explore the intricate dynamics and power imbalances that can exist between men and women, often on the unconscious level. Delve into my personal anecdotes and the stories of others who have navigated similar accusations, as we shed light on the emotional damage and financial burdens these situations can impose.  Naming the inconvenient truth that there are women brutalising men - every day.  

As we journey through these complex narratives, I aim to illuminate the often-overlooked power women can wield in relationships, consciously or subconsciously, and how this can lead to grievous misunderstandings or misjudgments. Whether it's through the lens of personal experience or broader societal trends, this episode encourages listeners to consider the nuanced interplay of truth and perception. Such considerations are crucial, as they might hold the key to understanding the long-lasting impacts on those accused, as well as the emotional landscapes of women who might wield such power, intentionally or otherwise.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Truth and Transcendence, brought to you by being Space with Catherine Llewellyn. Truth and Transcendence, episode 179. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going in this particular episode. I had a chat with a friend earlier this week, a man who is currently dealing with what, for him, is probably the worst experience of his life so far, which is that he is currently waiting to see whether or not he's going to have to go to court to answer charges of sexual molestation non-consensual sexual activity with somebody. And the woman who has reported him to the police for this is someone with whom he had a relationship for a while and at the end of the relationship everyone seemed to be very happy. She seemed happy, he seemed happy, and then, a couple of years later, this woman's friends persuaded her that he had actually abused her and had actually groomed her. She's quite a bit younger than he is and she ended up reporting him to the police. Now, obviously, I'm unhappy about this.

Speaker 1: 1:33

I've known about this for some time. This friend is someone who I'm very fond of, a very good friend, not an ex-partner, but a platonic friend and I believe him when he says he didn't do anything wrong. And I said to him I think I might need to do a podcast episode about this, and I felt moved to do so because I think there is something which does occur in our society around women brutalizing men, around women brutalizing men. Now I will say straight off that in this situation with my friend, I wasn't there. Through their relationship I didn't witness all the interactions. I don't know the woman involved, so I might be completely wrong about his particular situation, but I don't think I'm wrong about the fact that some women, some of the time of weaponry that women have at their command to hurt men, and when I've done that, the reality is, generally speaking, it's not the men who might deserve it who get hurt. It's not that I've done anything terrible, but I think something that can be really underestimated is how women have this power to really hurt the men in their lives, should they choose to do so, or even completely unconsciously.

Speaker 1: 3:18

I picked up a book by Shear Height at one point and she was talking in there about the fact that women have these very cutting ability with language. They can be emotionally quite punitive to men around them and that they've developed these skills as a result of 6,000 years of patriarchy. Whether 6,000 is correct or not, who knows, but women in general have these capacities to inflict emotional damage or pain on other people, and sometimes on each other. When I was at school, I went to a girls' school and my clearest memory of the girls I was with was that they were bitchy. They really enjoyed taking each other down, including me, and I found this very hurtful, and it took me a while after leaving that particular school before I'd be comfortable in a room full of just women. I'm very comfortable with that now, but it took a while to get comfortable because of that very unpleasant early experience in my life. So I think what I'm doing really is I'm naming something that I think we all know exists, which is that as women, we have the capability to be really quite punishing to men around us, should we choose to do so or actually doing it subconsciously, and that it's important that we're aware of that.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Obviously, most of us don't end up reporting people to the police, and in some of those cases the whole thing blows over very quickly, but in some of those cases it really doesn't. I had another friend years and years ago who was actually accused of rape, and this was a situation where he was involved with somebody probably not his best judgment to be involved with this particular person, because she was somebody who had her own problems and issues, let's just say. And then one day she asked for sex with him and he said no, he had a bad back, and she threw a tantrum, called the police and said he'd raped her, which he hadn't, and the whole thing took, in his case, well over a year before it ran through. A lot of people were involved, a lot of money was spent. My friend back then was harassed by the police because he had been judged guilty before he'd even gone to trial. Couple of these situations very, very, very painful for everybody involved, very, very costly indeed.

Speaker 1: 6:01

So what am I saying? Am I saying that women should just always be very nice to men? No, I think we should confront the people in our lives when we need to. I think we should express ourselves when we want to. I think we should channel our anger or rage or pain.

Speaker 1: 6:18

I think the thing, though, to be really aware of is that often, when we do these punitive behaviors, we're doing it to the wrong person, because the pain we may be carrying within us often is nothing to do with what's happening in the present moment, in our current relationships. It's brought forward from early woundings, either in our own lives or in the race memory in our species or in the ancestral memory of our particular generational line. So very often we're trying to actually deal with damage or wounding or pain that is from the past and sometimes from way way in the past, and sometimes it's carried down through families, generation after generation, where you see patterns repeating and strategies repeating and of course you then turn around and punish the people in your life. Now, if you're suffering that sort of thing, that's never going to work, because they don't deserve it. They then feel victimized and that then feeds into a whole other issue, which is men feeling unsafe around women, feeling that they can't relax and be open and be vulnerable with women, because it's the kindly, the gentle, the open, the vulnerable men who are more likely to receive this punitive behavior from women and that I think psychologically can be explained because they're the easiest people to hurt and they're the ones who are less likely to lash out in response. So it's a completely disproportionate and misplaced and misfocused behavior, not to say that the behavior is something that I would countenance anyway, but I'm just saying there are these repeating patterns that occur.

Speaker 1: 8:12

I'm also naming it because this is something that doesn't really get talked about in society. We are well down the path of moving towards equality gender equality between male and female but we're not there yet. In a way, whenever there's a big shift so if you think of a big shift from all women being victimized to noticing that and starting to make strides culturally and socially towards equality of genders when I say equality I mean parity, equivalence. I don't mean saying that male and female are the same thing. Of course they're not. But initially in these situations, the pendulum swings too far the other way, at least for some people. One of the manifestations we have in the world at the moment is a counter-sexism thing going on, where in some cases, women will be prioritized over men because they are women and because women prior to this have been victimized. So it's very, very difficult for men to own up to the fact that they're being victimized by a woman or by women, and it's difficult for women to own up to it as well, especially if they're doing it unconsciously.

Speaker 1: 9:36

And I think it's important that this is named. I think it's important that it's stated. I think it has to be women who state this, because it's women who have to take responsibility for this, if they choose to. So what is my message? Why, on earth? What's the point of me saying this? I think on my own behalf.

Speaker 1: 9:56

Something that I am now much more careful about in my relationships with men is watching out for those moments before I tip into what somebody one of my teachers, referred to decades ago as the hell bitch, the vengeful female spirit within that is actually trying to get revenge for hundreds or thousands of years of female victimization of one sort or another, one sort or another. So I'm doing my best to be responsible for not, whether subtly or overtly, causing pain to men in my life, and part of that is because at this point in my life, I'm much more conscious of the degree of vulnerability and discomfort that many men do experience as they are trying to adapt to the new dynamic in the world as it is now. So that's on my own behalf, but what I'm equally trying to do working with women, is to assist and support women to find that free place within them from where they can rebuild their power, rebuild their strength and then reduce the need for any of this kind of lashing out or behavior, and from that place can come an opening to love, because when we seek to undermine other people, whether consciously or unconsciously, this is an expression of experiencing a lack of love or feeling cut off from the inherent love that exists all around us and within us and within other people. So it's a healing journey. It's a journey of responsibility and healing. It's not a journey of self-criticism, judging oneself. It's so delicate. Talking about these things it's so easy to go into oh God, I'm a bad person because I've been unconsciously doing this. No, no one's a bad person. In this regard, there are a very, very, very minute minority in actually being malicious in this situation.

Speaker 1: 12:13

I would say that people generally not, but it is important to be aware of it and I just want to say to the men allow yourself to speak out if you are feeling undermined or disempowered or discounted by the women in your life, and find ways of building your strength so that you are able to be vulnerable enough to speak about this, to share about this. You would have heard me talking to people about men's groups on other episodes and the importance of men having a strong base that they can push from when they're looking to look after their sovereignty and be authentic in relationship. So perhaps a slightly more somber tone this week, slightly less optimistic than some of my other episodes. Just about being conscious about the dynamic of women brutalizing men in their lives, and women taking a bit more responsibility around that or being a bit more sensitive around that and looking to build their own power, their own strength, so that that particular behavior becomes less necessary.

Speaker 1: 13:24

And, for men, building strength such that you feel safe and secure enough to be vulnerable enough to speak out when that's occurring for you, and then a dialogue can take place, and then love can be experienced, and then we can reach a place where we can confront one another heartily, if that's what's required, but with some humor and without judging ourselves and without judging each other, and being in the present moment. Judging ourselves and without judging each other and being in the present moment rather than unconsciously trying to work out the woundings and the pain from the past. So please take from that what you will Wishing you a wonderful week filled with love and authenticity, and I will see you next time. Thank you for listening to Truth and Transcendence and thank you for supporting the show by rating, reviewing, subscribing, buying me a coffee and telling a friend If you'd like to know more about my work, you can find out about transformational coaching, pellewa and the Freedom of Spirit workshop on beingspaceworld. Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time.